I’ve got something difficult to do today. It involves trying to reboot two relationships that have deteriorated over the last few months. It’s scary because I know that those people think I have done something wrong. And I have no real grasp of what that wrong might be. As a result I feel hurt, because of their perceived rejection of me.
This sort of “difficult” has the habit of becoming more difficult the longer it swishes around in our heads. The longer we don’t talk about it. In fact it’s come to a head in my own mind over the last few days. Which is why today I’m going to try and do something about it.
I am letting go of my own sense of grievance. The hurt and the anger. Then I’m having to let go of the story I tell myself of “here, we go again another rejection on the way”.
And I am rebuilding with -
First, the love that I have for these people. It hasn’t felt like love for a while, but it hasn’t gone away. That’s where the hurt came from of course. But I want them to be in a good place. This must be hurting them too. Our relationship was good, and it can be good again. Perhaps even better as a result of coming through some difficult times.
Secondly, by changing the story I tell myself that turns my expectations into a kind of victim mentality. The person who will always be the one having to say sorry. The person who has to carry the pain. It’s quite a sad, and self pitying story that one. No need for it.
I’d rather look to the future now, and see myself as someone who has always tried, and always will, to grow in a positive and life enhancing way, though inevitably making many mistakes along the way. Someone who cares about the people in his life. Someone who isn’t, and shouldn’t be, defined by how other people, even those close to me, see me. Or even how I see myself.
Because finally, this simple truth - yesterday is history, and tomorrow hasn’t arrived. There is, and always will be, only this moment. This is the entirety of my experience right now, and who I am here is just fine.
This is all part of my journey to Build Resilience. I hope this “heart on sleeve” blogging might contain something that helps you along the way as well.